Not trying yet

Darr and I made the mistake of mentioning that we might at some point in the future start possibly trying to attempt to have a kid. Jesus H. was that ever a mistake. Now, friends on all sides are starting to question if we are indeed trying, how the trying is going, is the trying over because the conception has already taken place? It's all a bit overwhelming. Partially my fault, I realize, as I actually mentioned the end of our trip to Europe as a perfect start date. Perfect because it would be after a holiday I planned to spend in a state of total inebriation. The answer to all baby creation questions is "No, not yet."

Our last friend to give birth was secretive about the process but there were clues, in hindsight these are glaringly obvious, that we would have picked up on if we had been paying attention - ordering but not consuming beer, claiming to be on medication for a mysterious ailment to deflect offerings of wine at a party, not wanting to try my home cooked meth*, these kinds of things. Us girls have apparently learned our lesson, though, as the last e-mail I sent out to another friend - an innocuous e-mail filled with my usual ramblings on life - was immediately deconstructed and returned with a "Are you trying to tell me something?" reply. The phrases that caught her attention are as follows, verbatim:

I can cry buckets just watching commercials but that's me and I can blame that partially on the hormones.

and later in the e-mail...

I'm signing up for benefits through Darr's company so I don't have to worry about not having health insurance.

From this, a mathematical equation can be derived which your girlfriends can use to calculate your pregnancy status. It looks like this:

A(B + C) = X

Given:
A = mention of
B = hormones
C = health insurance
X = outcome

Plug in the given values and you get this:

mention of (hormones + health insurance) = you're pregnant

Yeah, okay, make fun. I'm a frickin' English Lit. major. Jerks.

What this means, of course, is that when I do become pregnant I'll have to be über clever to keep the word from getting out (i.e., I'll have to drink and accept meth offers). Probably starting a two-cigarette-packs-a-day habit would further throw the Scooby gang off the track, eh?

*This is a joke. I have never cooked meth, tried meth, snorted meth, strapped a belt around my arm while boiling meth in a spoon that was transferred to a needle and shot meth. I didn't buy meth like that evangelical fucker Haggard who was "tempted but...never used." Yeah right, he didn't use. And these yahoos make fun of Clinton's "I didn't inhale" comment. Has anyone asked that guy what kind of massage he received from the gay escort fella that showed up at his doorstep? Or is he like some of the college kids I remember from the Christian college of my hometown who defined sex as penis-vagina penetration, leaving wide open as an option, excuse the semi-pun, the oh-so-unholy act of anal loving?