The Hitcher

It has been a while but I finally managed to hook up with my friend Jen for some horror flick fun. Our movie of choice - The Hitcher, a remake of that 1986 classic starring C. Thomas Howell and Rutger Hauer. I know what you're thinking. How could they improve upon this solidly built masterpiece of cinematography? Well, hiring a new cast of basic nobodies for starters, but also by providing the audience with an abundance of gore and ending with some righteous anger framed in fire, that's how. So I present to you yet another round of...

The Hitcher Lessons Learned

1. When you almost run over a crazy hitcher man standing in the middle of a deserted highway at night during a rainstorm, do not offer the drenched lunatic a ride. Hit the gas and keep right on driving.

2. Do not stop to chat with the has-one-lazy-eye-cause-he-was-
kicked-in-the-head-by-a-donkey gas station attendant. He'll have you driving with that hitcher in your car before you can say the word "hitcher". And you don't want that. The hitcher is a bad, evil man.

3. If the crazy hitcher man winds up in your car, for God's sake lie when he asks where you're headed. Crazy hitcher men should never be privy to your itinerary.

4. If you plan on going on a road trip, wear something sensible. An obscenely short miniskirt and cowboy boots make it difficult to escape the bad hitcher man when he goes bananas and tries to kill you. I recommend jogging pants and a nice pair of broken-in sneakers.

5. Eventually, all of this running from the crazy hitcher man will make you dirty and you'll take some time out of your busy schedule to shower with your loved one. That's fine. But don't get into bed after your boyfriend has left the room to go and make a call. First, he ain't coming back, and second, the crazy hitcher man is, and boy-howdy will he be happy to see you in your schnazzy panties.

6. If all the cops are dead, they can't help you. Grab some guns and help yourself to a patrol car to get the Hell out of there.

7. Women will blame you if everybody starts dying after they recommended ditching the trip to return home and you dismissed their idea as ridiculous. They will do this because they are right.

8. When and if you should reach a state of righteous anger, it looks cool to kick your way out of a burning vehicle to track down the bad guy whilst slinging a big, black gun. Go on with your bad self.