Wednesday, August 06, 2008

What's in store

It is Monday morning, and when I walk into the central building, I can feel my stomach clench. For the next five days I will assume that I am somewhat less intelligent than anyone around me. At most moments I'll suspect that the privilege I enjoy was conferred as some kind of peculiar hoax. I will be certain that no matter what I do, I will not do it well enough; and when I fail, I know that I will burn with shame. By Friday my nerves will be so brittle from sleeplessness and pressure and intellectual fatigue that I will not be certain I can make it through the day...Lately, I seem to be drinking a little every night. I do not have the time to read a novel or a magazine, and I am so far removed from the news of world events that I often feel as if I've fallen off the dark side of the planet. I am distracted at most times and have difficulty keeping up a conversation...At random instants, I am likely to be stricken with acute feelings of panic, depression, indefinite need, and the pep talks and irony I practice on myself only seem to make it worse.

I am a law student in my first year at the law, and there are many moments when I am simply a mess.
--Scott Turow, One L

7 comments:

B. E. Busby said...

There was some study a ways back about engineers in Si Valley, with 30-ish percent reporting that they felt like frauds, utterly unfut for the purpose for which they were hired and that despite any and all successes or praise, they dreaded "being found out." Such people were often the most productive.

There's something to be said for the "party on, dude" stoner philosophy for your mental health, if not your performance.

Perhaps you should buy a pair of checked Vans and, when things seem dire, look down and smile wickedly to yourself.

http://tinyurl.com/5z58u4

Ms. A said...

I keep waiting for the "officials" to tap me on the shoulder and boot me out of lab.... and I'm going into my (sigh) 6th year....

I envy those people with seemingly gleamingly perfect self-confidence. But I know they are screaming on the inside too.

You'll rock their socks off, my friend. You'll surprise yourself in ways you can't imagine now.

Amber said...

Man, where can I sign up for some of that???

You're a better person than I am, my friend. :)

Brian said...

Rest assured that I definitely assume that I'm less intelligent than you.

However, sometimes I suspect that my cats are more intelligent than me, so maybe this isn't the compliment I was hoping for.

Kick some ass, Glynn! Woot!

B. E. Busby said...

Wow -- the dog just passed some weapons-grade gas, so I hope this makes sense --

Brian: sounds like you need some Vans, maybe your cats, too.

(Jeezus this is bad -- how can such a silent event cause Hans friggin' Blix to appear at my doorstep -- yeesh!)

Darren said...

Bruce, I feel ya.

Cathy said...

"There was some study a ways back about engineers in Si Valley, with 30-ish percent reporting that they felt like frauds, utterly unfut for the purpose for which they were hired and that despite any and all successes or praise, they dreaded "being found out." Such people were often the most productive."

Interesting...I always think I'm not as good as my peers and principal claim me to be. For the past 7 years I've gotten good evaluation after good evaluation and yet I'm just waiting for them to find out the truth - just like ms. a. What an interesting quote. And discussion. interesting...

And - you? You are going to kick ass!