The Gospel-Conclusion

Yes, I finished the Gospel and I am a convert. I shall practice my Pirate-speak here, "Arrrgh!" Here's just one of the passages that brought me into the fold...

"FSM believers reject dogma. Which is not to say that we don't believe we're right. Obviously, we do. We simply reserve the right to change our beliefs based on new evidence or greater understanding of old evidence. Our rejection of dogma is so strong that we leave open the possibility that there is no Flying Spaghetti Monster at all."*

Find me another religion that allows for that kind of thought. You can't.

And so my life as a Pastafarian worshipping His Noodly Appendages begins. Per the good book, I will celebrate (1) every Friday - "the holiest of the Pastafarian holidays," (2) Pastover - "the time when the Flying Spaghetti Monster first began touching people with His Noodly Appendage," (3) Ramendan - where instead of fasting as in the Islamic period of Ramadan, I will "spend a few days eating only Ramen noodles and remembering ... [my] days as a starving college student," (4) Halloween - an important Pastafarian holiday that "honors the time when Pirates roamed the earth in freedom;"** and finally (5) International Talk Like a Pirate Day - which takes place every year on September 19, when all Pastafarians "are encouraged to seek out...grog on this holiday; candy is optional."

Things I didn't know that the prophet revealed to me:
1. Gravity might not be what we believe. Pastafarians believe we stay on earth because His Noodliness is pushing us down with His Noodly Appendages.

2. Consider this as further evidence of the FSM theory of gravity - Shorter people are touched by his Noodly Appendages more often than taller people. People now, in general, are taller than the peoples of the past because the Flying Spaghetti Monster has to touch more and more people. Basically, our touch time with the FSM has decreased as the population has increased, which has in turn allowed us to grow taller.

3. People would rather consume a bowl of spaghetti with tomato sauce and meatballs, than the equivalent caloric intake of the traditional communion wafers. (This was the conclusion from the chapter entitled, "Communion Test".)

4. The Pirate population has been dwindling since the 1800s. As the Pirate numbers have decreased, there has been an increase in global temperature. I've included a graph from the book to further illustrate this point.

5. His Noodliness has issued "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts" instead of commandments for believers to follow. There were ten but Mosey dropped two of them on his way down from the mountain. Those missing elements are partly responsible for the flimsy moral standards of Pastafarians.

6. Evolutionary evidence exists because the Spaghedeity put it there.

7. FSM Heaven features a beer volcano and strippers. The prophet advises there are probably male strippers for the ladies but states "they are invisible to the non-homo guys."

*Henderson, R. 2006. The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Villard, New York.
**Pirates are the Chosen People of the FSM.

Perhaps it is best I stop now and advise you to purchase your own copy of the Gospel so that you can reach enlightenment via the words of the prophet himself. To read more on the Flying Spaghetti Monster phenomenon, click here. To purchase the Gospel, click here or here.

I'm already envisioning a Pastafarian party where there will be beer (a.k.a. "grog") and pasta dishes o' plenty. Look for the invites in the mail, my friends. And break out that Pirate regalia. Please leave your parrots at the door. Eye patches welcome. Until then, RAmen, my friends.