Last Friday I met up with friend, and fellow scary-movie addict, Sharon to catch Orphan. To prepare for the movie, we enjoyed facials at Coldwater Creek Spa and dinner at Pastini Pastaria. We were relaxed with glowing faces and full stomachs as we made our way into the theatre. (Is there any better way to view a horror flick?) So here is...Orphan Lessons Learned:
1. Murderous orphans from Russia appear even more homicidal when shown in black light.
2. Having two kids is enough. When you go for a third by adopting an orphan from Russia, you'll likely run into trouble. The kind of trouble that comes with a crazy Russian orphan who wears weird bands around her neck and wrists and pushes kids off of play structures at the park. Also, she's likely to lie about being able to play the piano because all creepy orphans lie.
3. True to stereotype, if you are the only black person in the film,
you aren't going to make it out alive. Russian orphans have no qualms about killing you off. Not even God will be able to save you from this crazy orphan, sister.
4. If you sense something is wrong with Esther and you get your other two kids alone in the car for a few seconds to ask them if everything is okay, try to use some of that female intuition when they stare back at you fearfully and stutter when saying "No, everything's good," to recognize they fear for their very lives. It's time to vamoose and leave that likely-to-kill-you-and-your-kids orphan behind.
5. Artistically-talented orphans may appear to be gifted but their
art is cleverly hiding the truth, that they are really murderous orphans with affinities for older men.
6. When you convince yourself that having a third child is the way to go, don't go to the orphanage and select the weird kid of the bunch. Despite what you think, it's not okay to be different, especially when different means you are a crazy orphan who kills people.
7. For God's sake do not wear a purple variegated sweater after
you adopt Killing Orphan Esther. When you race to the hospital after creepy E tries to kill your son, the orderlies are going to assume because you're wearing that thing that you are out of your mind. You'll get a shot to sedate you and the homicidal maniac you adopted will get a free pass back home.
2. Having two kids is enough. When you go for a third by adopting an orphan from Russia, you'll likely run into trouble. The kind of trouble that comes with a crazy Russian orphan who wears weird bands around her neck and wrists and pushes kids off of play structures at the park. Also, she's likely to lie about being able to play the piano because all creepy orphans lie.
3. True to stereotype, if you are the only black person in the film,
you aren't going to make it out alive. Russian orphans have no qualms about killing you off. Not even God will be able to save you from this crazy orphan, sister.4. If you sense something is wrong with Esther and you get your other two kids alone in the car for a few seconds to ask them if everything is okay, try to use some of that female intuition when they stare back at you fearfully and stutter when saying "No, everything's good," to recognize they fear for their very lives. It's time to vamoose and leave that likely-to-kill-you-and-your-kids orphan behind.
5. Artistically-talented orphans may appear to be gifted but their
art is cleverly hiding the truth, that they are really murderous orphans with affinities for older men.6. When you convince yourself that having a third child is the way to go, don't go to the orphanage and select the weird kid of the bunch. Despite what you think, it's not okay to be different, especially when different means you are a crazy orphan who kills people.
7. For God's sake do not wear a purple variegated sweater after
you adopt Killing Orphan Esther. When you race to the hospital after creepy E tries to kill your son, the orderlies are going to assume because you're wearing that thing that you are out of your mind. You'll get a shot to sedate you and the homicidal maniac you adopted will get a free pass back home.
2 comments:
Yes.
I lol'd so hard when she got shot up in the hospital. It was, like, instant TRANQ! It was like surprise buttsecks!
I mean, seriously, what hospital is going to just tranq someone like that? I was literally guffawing in the theater, thinking to myself, wow, that hospital is going to face some serious litigation. I mean, what if she was a problem with her medication and there was an accidental overdose because of that tranq and she died?
I guess my mind kinda wanders sometimes....
Hilarious. Have you thought about scrapping the lawyer idea entirely and becoming a professional (paid) writer??
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