Sunday, January 24, 2010

Satan responds

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher.

The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake.

Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

Hat tip: Star Tribune, written by Lily Coyle from Minneapolis


MissMVK said...

You are a satirical genius. Thanks for my Sunday morning chuckle!

Christie said...

I cannot take credit for this. I've included the author's info in the Hat Tip. But glad you liked it nonetheless.

Zozopdx said...

this is being forwarded among the more progressive Christians in my hometown and landed in my inbox recently. you would think Pat Robertson would have a better handle on the psychology of Satan, but what are you gonna do? maybe he missed that class in undergrad.

Dr. A said...

So.... there's a deal with Dubai?